Slut-Shaming is Alive and Well. Unfortunately.

People are so weird about sex, aren’t they?

Thing is, I don’t want to be disrespectful to anyone’s personal belief system here, but it seems sometimes like that’s very much a one-way street. Someone –like me- who thinks it’s perfectly fine to have sex with whoever you feel like (so long as both are willing participants, to be clear) will almost always be spoken of with disdain by others on the other end of the ideology.

I was out the other night with a friend, and there was a couple sitting on the couch kind of opposite us. They kissed a bit, then he got up to… I dunno, have a smoke or a piss or something. Seeing she was now sat by herself and looking a little flustered, my friend asked her if she was okay. The young woman told us she was on a date and that she really liked him, which honestly was fairly obvious, but very sweet.

My friend then kind of winked at her and asked if she was going to take him home, and the woman’s face dropped, her tone flattening immediately. “No. I’m not like that.”

“Not like what?” I laughed, kinda drunk, if I’m honest, because her meaning would have been fairly self-explanatory if I’d been sober.

“Yeah,” my friend jostled good-naturedly. “You like him, he likes you… what’s the problem?”

“I’m not a slut.”

The silence that followed was awkward, as the penny finally dropped. I mean, it was less of a penny, at that point, and much more of a grand piano, but there we are.

How are you meant to respond to something like that? Because while maybe this stranger hadn’t meant to call me and my friend sluts, she did. And honestly? I gave her a pass at the time, because we’d kind of butted in, but on reflection she must have known because of how we’d been talking to her.

“Fair,” I said, picking up my drink and raising my glass to her. “I am.”

“Me too!” my friend laughed.

The woman’s date came back, and the four of us were ushered out almost immediately by tired bar staff who were waiting to go home. We wished her and her date good luck, and out we stumbled into the night, thinking no more about it for the rest of the evening.

Now I could sit here and tell you that my vagina is a fairly restricted area. I could say how many men I’ve had sex with, and believe me, it’s a low number for a woman of my age. I could explain how shitty my sex life has actually been, how inexperienced I actually am, and that when a guy says to me “What are you into in the bedroom” I genuinely have no idea because I haven’t tried hardly anything.

But you know what? None of that is actually relevant. I would sleep with someone I just met, if I liked them enough. In fact, I have done, and I don’t feel any regret for that. I’m not ashamed of it, and it angers me that in this day and age there’s still this culture where women who enjoy and want sex are treated as something disgusting.

I lost my virginity when I was twenty-two, and to a man I was then with for seven years. In all that time, we had sex very, very rarely, and he got me off fewer times than I have fingers on one hand. And the worst thing? When I asked older, more experienced women in my life about it, I was assured that was fine and even normal. When I brought it to his attention, he tried once, then told me he “couldn’t be arsed” to keep doing it.

Women have to fake their orgasms, women shouldn’t masturbate, women shouldn’t have sex on the first date. What is this nonsense? No. No, it’s wrong, and it’s terrible to see and hear it still being reinforced.

I refuse to fake my orgasms, I masturbate regularly, and if I go out with a guy who I’m both physically and mentally attracted to, I’m going to sleep with him. Why wouldn’t I? Having come out of that long-term relationship a long while ago now, I’m absolutely not willing to be with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me. That’s just practical. It’s just as important to me as knowing he can make me laugh, that we have things in common, and that we enjoy each other’s company.

Now I’m not going to say that my way is the one and only right way, because it isn’t. I know sex isn’t crucial or important to everyone, and it isn’t going to make or break a relationship, but to me it matters. I enjoy sex, and I feel a real sense of attachment to a partner afterwards. I want to be with someone I can enjoy sex with, who wants to enjoy sex with me, too.

If that makes me a slut, fine.

People can judge and scorn all they want to, I guess, because the right ones understand, and the best ones don’t pass judgement on others with such little care.

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6 thoughts on “Slut-Shaming is Alive and Well. Unfortunately.

  1. Well I’m definitly a slut too. Welcome to the club, there’s drinks over there and snacks over here.
    And I agree so much that ‘ability to make me cum and enjoy sex with’ is prime knowledge to enter any kind of intimate relationship, most important, do not skip.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Here’s to slutting it up, Barb! 😉

      Honestly, it does seem to be a relationship component that no one ever talks about. There’s still that weird element of shame when discussing sex, and I really can’t be doing with it. It boggles me!

      Like

  2. Slut here! 😀

    I do wonder if she didn’t have that kneejerk response because she didn’t want you guys judging her, so she pre-empted the judging. (Probably not. Most of us have been conditioned to think that more than one partner means slut, that sleeping around means slut, that having sex on the first date means slut.)

    It is alive and well and it’s sad that there are still so many people eager to shove someone down as they scream in delighted offense about something that doesn’t even concern them.

    I get to do presentations all the time and enjoy catching people whisper, “Jerking off” or some reference to masturbation so I can go, “Masturbation! Glad you brought that up. Let’s talk about that next.” 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sluts unite! ❤ Haha!

      I did wonder if it might have been an age thing, but she wasn't that much younger than us really, and it still made me do this face: ¬_¬

      I really think that what other people get up to with their own body is entirely their own business, and that it's such a massive shame more people don't think that way. I wouldn't judge someone for waiting until marriage to have sex, but when the shoe is on the other foot it really does seem to be a different story, and that's frustrating. I put up with a very unfulfilling sex life for way too long because I'd been brought up to think things that aren't right, but paraded around as being so.

      (Also! I love that you do that, Jen! You're my hero!)

      Like

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